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How I Fixed The Gong - by Ian Nicholson

Hi Everyone,

Well, my gong didn't work. All the readings of the manual telling me how the gong would warn me of all manner of things left me feeling empty, worthless and alone.

All my friends on bimmerfest had working gongs - and loved them. For me, the sound of silence announced the Check Control display. I could only look on with weary eyes and wonder what angel's song could possibly accompany the sheer poetry of "LIMIT 50Km/h".

Alas, I was doomed never to hear the dulcet tone of the BMW E34 5 series gong... or was I?

At once, in a fit of determined outrage I clutched my electric screwdriver and launched myself at the unsuspecting screws that held the panel between the pedals and my steering wheel closely cosseted to the bosom of my Five.

Each fell and surrendered themselves as dull thuds to the footwell carpet.

Soon, and with great trepidation, I gently peeled the panel away. Blinking in the dark I reached for the glovebox torch, and in its pearly light I caught a glimpse of my prize. For there, mummified among the soundproof padding in all it's revealed magnificence was... the BMW gong.

I gently pinched the clips that held it fast in the panel, and plucked the leads such that it dropped as would a ripened fruit into my hands.

Back inside, I pondered this sonic sarcophagus and laid my plans to reveal its contents. Prising each of the four sprung fasteners in turn, I pushed a strip from some forgotten blister back to hold them back. Teasing the top of the Gong out into the light revealed the marvel of modern electronics that BMW themselves demanded a handsome purse of AU$225 to replace.

But there, below, was the source of my scourge. A scurrilously cheap 50mm speaker, cunningly deployed when the rest of the world uses 57mm speakers in their computers and the like. The cruelty! A quick continuity check confirmed my fears, this cancerous component was indeed the source of my misery.

Hunting the malls of the world wide web I found my answer - a 2-inch wide range speaker from Jaycar:-

http://www.jaycar.com.au/productVie...x=&SUBCATID=609

With my trusty tinsnips, I cut more corners off my speaker than BMW did theirs.

And lo, the speaker fit, and it was good. Freshly partnered to the ancient circuit board with honest solder I quickly reassembled the unit.

Rushing back to my eagerly-awaiting Five I inserted the cables and...

"Bing..." - "LIGHTS ON?"

A tear sprung in my eye...

"Bing...!" - "LIGHTS ON?"

I wanted more. In went the key and the 3.0 litre V8 roared into life! Like a giddy schoolboy I punched the LIMIT button and entered 50km/h.

Off I flew into the night...

"Bing...!" - "LIMIT 50Km/h"

With tears welling in my eyes I could no longer see and had to stop for fear of crashing....

Now we're together I want us never to be apart. My friends are talking to me again and now my life is, once more, complete.




Fin.