bmwkraftur.is

kannski séð þennan áður .. :

Fem tyskere i en Audi Quattro ankommer til den italienske grænse. Den
italienske grænsevagt stopper dem og siger:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people ina Quattro"
"Vot do you mean eet'z illegal" spørger den tyske fører af bilen.
"Quattro meansa four" svarer den italienske grænsevagt.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" siger tyskeren uforstående.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is disignt to kerry 5 persons".
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me" svarer italieneren. "Quattro meanse
four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are therforea breaking
the low."
Den tyske fører mister tålmodigheden: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor
over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence".
"Sorry" svarer italieneren. "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys
ina Fiat Uno".

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ozeki@simnet.is

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

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JÞS
- 323i coupe - '96

heheh snilld

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Merkur(sierra) xr4ti

Einn annar hérna, óbílatengt.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."


Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.


Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".


I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while..
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

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E53 X5 4.4i

Hahaha!

Góður

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BMW E46 328i

Hahahahahahah snilld

_________________
Tony Montana - BBS LM CREW
E36 M3 Coupe Daytona Violet 18" BBS LM

http://www.e30.is

_________________
'BMW, designed by Germans, driven by tossers' J.C.

góður þessi gestur á myndinni!

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Ingvar Örn || BMW R100RS 1994 || Renault Megane RS Turbo 2009 || Alfa Romeo Duetto 1967 Fast Road

Heheheeh, svona á að gera þetta, ekkert vera að stressa sig of mikið

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Sæmi

E24 645csi, E23 745i E28 M5, E34 525ix, 518g, 525tds, M5T, E53 4.6is,

Spurning um að ná í rúðusköfuna

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Carrera4 964 '91

bæta einum við

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it..."

_________________
Bjarki Hilmarsson
--
E34 520iA '90 --seldur--
E34 540 6 spd manual Touring '96 -- seldur --

Subject: Credit Card collection

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is just so priceless, and so easy to see
happening, customer service being what it is today.

A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed
her for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card, and then added late fees
and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
been $0.00, now is was somewhere around $60.00.

I placed a call to Citibank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already
has been."

Me: So, what will they do when they find out she is
dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe
both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part
about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my
supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I
don't know what more I can do to help."

Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you
could just keep billing her. I don't think she will
care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still
apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number
69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

_________________
JÞS
- 323i coupe - '96

hahahahahhaha hahahahah djöfulsins face! þessir eru allir frábæri.

Ég var að heyra nokkra gamla aftur um daginn.

Segjum sem svo að vinur þinn sé að rétta beyglu og spyr þig eitthvað út í hana, þa´svararðu "það er eitthvað bogið við þetta"

Einnig ef eitthver er að mæla með t.d. málbandi þá spyrðu hann "mælirðu með þessu?"

Ef að þú ert að færa plötu, stoppaðu þá, líttu á kollega þinn og segðu "þú platar mig ekki"

(þetta er miklu fyndnara þegar fólk býst ekki við þessu)

Svo er ég með eina pælingu. Með fullri virðingu fyrir þeim sem nota heyrnatæki, en ætli það komi svona "digdigdigdigidgid" eins og kemur í ´´utvörpum þegar síminn hringir í heyrnatækin?

hehehe 0,05€

_________________
JÞS
- 323i coupe - '96

_________________
'BMW, designed by Germans, driven by tossers' J.C.