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BMW Drivers

What happens when you give somebody a car they probably didn't pay for with a big engine, lots of luxury items, soundproofing that the residents of Heathrow would die for and a special mind altering field that allows the driver to feel no remorse whatsoever? Complete detachment from reality, that's what. These cars are a marvel of Teutonic engineering: All models come with unique futuristic features to keep the peasant motorists from ever having to interact with a BMW driver. Added to the standard autopilot features found across all models, optional features now include 'Auto-Tail' TM with programmable bumper distances up to a massive 50mm at 90mph; 'Auto-Weave' TM which can spot gaps in motorway traffic across four lanes only 6 inches bigger than the car and swerve instantly into them without input from the driver; 'Pseudo-Zoom-Mode' (PZM) TM which automatically flashes the 5000w headlights in the rear view mirror of the vehicle in front while approaching at a minimum of twice the legal speed limit. Finally, the most expensive option is the DLB mode, or 'Don't Look Back' TM which allows the driver to cause massive pile-ups without actually being caught up in them. A new feature rumoured for the top-of-the-range 7 Series is something simply known as 'Indicators'. Furthermore, BMW who are not content to rest on their technological successes have now released the X5 so that even certified sociopaths can enjoy a spot of driving.